I was driving to hospital for the 3rd time that week and I started to cry, but I didn’t know why I was crying. So I popped on some of my favourite mood boosting music, which normally will help me if I’m feeling sad. However as I was singing along I could feel the tears still rolling down my cheeks and me struggling to get the words out because I was crying so much.
I managed to pull myself together as I was walking into the hospital, doing my normal routine rushing through to find out when the next feed was, then I could grab myself a coffee and nip to the loo before the feed. I walked in and Graysons nurse that day was busy with another baby and I decided to just sit and watch Grayson sleeping while I waited. It was then I realised I felt nothing. I felt numb. I loved Grayson but I wasn’t feeling the overwhelming love I had for him before. Again the tears started to roll down my face, but this time I tried to stop them dead in their tracks because there were people around.
As Grayson's nurse for that day came over, she asked what was wrong and I explained, talking it through with her made me realise that this was the first time I had felt this way, I had just chosen to ignore it, bury it. She used to be a midwife and was very familiar with these signs and suggested I see someone about it. Without mentioning the word depression I knew exactly what she meant. I carried on with my day in the normal way and ignored it and hoped it would go away.
The next day I did exactly the same again, only on this day the wonderful ward clerk from Grayson’s ward came in for a chat and I just couldn’t hold it in. Everything I have been feeling came gushing out. I told her what Grayson’s nurse had said and she agreed. In fact she told me to ring the doctors right there and then, I said I couldn’t, I was too ashamed. So in the end she asked if she could ring the doctors for me. She did and I was seen later that day and prescribed Citalopram.
Since then I have tried to own my depression by talking openly about it, no matter how uncomfortable it makes people feel. I have had one round of talking therapy which helped me process Grayson’s birth, I’m currently going through a course of hypnotherapy and I am on the waiting list for more talking therapy. I have ups and downs and just recently I had very dark thoughts and spoke to the doctor about upping my medication. This has helped dramatically and as I approach Grayson’s first birthday I am trying to plan for the emotions that may bring. I am not depressed, I have depression and I will feel better again without medication it will just take time.